Originally Published as a “Guest Blog” with Chronicles of Womanhood on May 5, 2015…..
This year will be my 4th Mother’s Day without my mother. My emotions have varied drastically over the past three years leading up to this coming Mother’s Day. I vividly remember my first Mother’s Day without my mother. I was devastated, depressed and angry. I spent the entire day mad with everyone. I shut down to the world, closed myself off, cried, yelled, journal(ed), and sat silently. And you know what? I felt entitled to do just that!
Over the years, my “I miss mommy tantrums” have matured. I have come to terms with my mother’s physical absence during Mother’s Day. I can’t say that it’s easier, but I am no longer angry. I no longer feel cheated that I can’t spend the day with my mother, instead, I feel blessed. BLESSED??!! Yes, I feel blessed for all of the years that I was able to spend that special day with her. I am grateful that I had a mother who loved me so much that the void in my heart has been so big. I know that sounds weird, but I have considered the reality that some people never had a mother who loved them like my mother loved me. I realize that some people have their mothers living and breathing on this earth, yet she is absent.
My gratitude toward my mother has grown tremendously since the devastating day I lost her, and I realize I was loved for 29 years with a love that is literally irreplaceable and incomparable to any other love that I have experienced. I am so grateful now. I would rather have been loved by her and lost her than to never have been loved by such a nurturing, encouraging, firm, and wise woman. I am now honored that God chose us to have each other.
I can say with zero doubt that God has helped me. He has been my strength in my weakest moments. He has allowed me to be angry, to be sad, to feel lonely, to question Him, and to be silent toward Him throughout my grieving process. His grace has been enough, to carry me through each step of this journey. Mother’s Day tends to intensify the reality of my mother’s absence, but I miss her daily. Even now, almost four years later, I still have days when the weight of her absence bears down on me, and I am just as shocked that she is not here as the day she died. I have learned not to fight or deny myself those moments. I surrender myself to them, and I open my heart to the Comforter, in the Person of the Holy Spirit , and He without fail, carries me to a place of Peace that makes no sense. Grace carries me through these moments into a place of gratitude, and once I am there, I get up, square my shoulders, and remember that I still have purpose to fulfill here on earth.
Perhaps you are spending this Mother’s Day without your mother, and you may be able to relate to some part of my journey that I have shared here. It is for you that I agreed to write this post because I know that trusting the Lord is the first step to making it through those tough moments. You never have to deny the moments of anger, fear, loneliness, and sadness, but I would encourage you to trust Him through those moments. There was one thing I did that helped me the most, and that was surrendering my need or right to understand WHY. I decided that I would not allow what I did not understand about God’s Sovereignty, Righteousness, and Justice to interfere with what I knew about His Goodness. Having a relationship with God has made the ultimate difference for me. My mother was my best friend, my first love, and the one who I feared losing the most. In fact, I never thought I could live through losing her, but I did. I am living! I’m still here! My mother’s love for me, and her belief in my purpose, has been a portion of the fuel that keeps me going.
If you are like me and will be spending this Mother’s Day without your mother, I would like to pray this prayer together:
Father In the Name of Jesus,
Thank you for the love, strength, and nurturing of our mothers. Thank you for the years that we spent being loved by and loving the women you hand selected to carry us from eternity into time. Thank you for the wisdom You blessed our mothers with to care for us. We thank you for each and every moment and memory that we have of our mothers. Thank you even for the pain we feel when we consider her absence because that pain reminds us that we have been loved with a love that we did not deserve, but You graced us to experience anyway. We surrender ourselves to the Comfort of the Holy Spirit; we trust that He will lead and guide us into the truth of Your undying, relentless love for us, and that when we are there, we will experience peace that cannot be understood.
And Father , I pray that you would heal our hearts and set us free from bitterness, regret, jealousy and fear. Help us to trust you more daily. Help us to share Your love with others in a way that will bring healing and freedom to our lives and theirs. I pray that we would trust you through the tough times, praise you in the good times, and recognize your goodness in all things.
In the Name of Jesus,